In a whirlwind of aimless research, starting at the NPR story of 'My Lobotomy' and spiraling through wikipedia's psychiatric treatment entries, shock treatment and Thorazine and with a brief tangential foray into UFO's, I finished up, somehow, at the entry for 'jamais vu' and realized with a start that there's a name for the feeling that I often deliberately try to induce.

Often my life can take on a whole different meaning if I pretend I'm looking at it from a younger self's point of view. Often (perhaps too often to be healthy) I stop what I'm doing and try to forget everything I know as a 23 year old; where I live, what I've done, who I love, etc., and try to see if it would be possible to figure out these things by the clues in my day-to-day life. I'm like a phantom 18-year-old ghost detective (and actually my ghost age changes depends on the things I'd like thrown into a new light; if I want to forget I live in Colorado I have to be under 18, if I want to look at romance differently I generally go back to 14 or 15, if I want to think about music at all it's even more, 9 or 10) using every sense to figure out who I am now.

Basically I pretend I've been thrust into my current environment suddenly from that younger age and forced to begin living as if I know what's going on. Where, in the world, literally, am I? What part of the country does this mountain range look like it belongs in? These street names, do I recognize them? Does the air feel dry, do I smell the ocean, are there locusts buzzing, or trains in the distance? Is my jaw aching like it does when I'm stressed and I pop it in and out? Where am I headed, am I headed there on foot or on a bicycle? Am I hurrying, am I checking my watch, am I wearing a watch, do I have a tremor of excitement in my gut, are my muscles sore?

Since I've been playing this bizarre mind game my whole life, I've noticed that technology makes the chase much less challenging. The list of names, clear as day, on my phone, in my email contact list, an online journal I can call up from anywhere, or, especially, a profile on Facebook or something similar that lists my 'essentials'. My social vitals. Everything I'm trying to dig up from mystery, it's there, in column form, on some screen somewhere.

Technology is killing my induced jamais vu. I try to not recognize something I already know, but it forces me to recognize it. That eerie feeling is muted now, my life in a harsh single perspective. Funny how even though I could create countless complex identities if I wanted to, I would immediately come to recognize each and every one of them.