There are situations in which I think I must have mild Aspergers or some similar social-misunderstanding disorder. Usually immediately after I think this, I chide myself for diagnosing myself with an easy excuse instead of simply accepting that I am socially awkward and have the capability to change it.

Do I have the capability to change it? As time goes on, I get less certain. The way people respond to me is entirely at odds with how I think they should, and how they perceive me, when asked, is entirely at odds with how I perceive myself. Up until now I sort of thought that I just had an expressionless face that tended towards looking annoyed and so people just figured I wasn't interested (in them, in anything). But lately I've been making a concerted effort. To smile longer than I think is appropriate, to look people in the eye even though it's supremely uncomfortable for me, to act excited and bubbly when the situation seems to call for it.

None of it makes a difference. I suspect that smiling becomes grimacing, eye contact becomes staring, excited becomes manically excitable, and bubbly becomes bubbling over. All without my knowledge, because I can't see myself through a normal person's eyes. I can honestly say I have no fucking clue what draws people to one another (conversely, what repels them from one another). Or even what looks merely normal and acceptable.

I had a meeting with a professor the other day and she noted that I seem 'blunt and straightforward - a scientific approach - but very impatient'. Another professor noted today that I am 'clearly introverted'. When I first started working for the graduate student I am still working for, she asked me if I was nervous about sixty times.

These attributes: quirky, yes, maybe even nerdy, but abnormal enough for most people to react as though they think I hate them?