I've been in complete and miserable cat withdrawal since August, when the Maine coon cat next door moved away to live on a farm. This was the sweetest cat on earth; he would place his thumbed paws on my face before he shoving his nose into my hair. He'd always sit on my deck chair and meow at me through the window all night long. He had a sort of chirp that sounded like speech. Once he leapt directly into my screen, thinking it wasn't there. I'd be all for cloning if it made me another Rocky (am I even joking? Who knows?).

Anyway, I went on a run today to blow off some steam (blowing off steam is the only time I ever run) and as I re-entered this filthy rich area of Boulder from the mountain parks area, I saw a white cat running towards me from the porch of some giant house with, like, turrets and a castle balcony or something. The cat was long-haired, but it had been shaved around the midsection so it resembled a poodle. Despite this outrageous ridiculousness, it had a serene and determined look to it. I saw, when he got closer, that he had blue eyes.

For some reason, I remember, when I was a kid, reading in (of all places) a Babysitters Club book, that white cats with blue eyes tend to be deaf. This cat seemed to be so, but all he wanted was to get neck-scratches for approximately a million hours.

This was near the Mountain Parks, so of course, dogs were walking by constantly. Whenever a dog came down the street, the cat would cease blissfully rubbing against my legs and trot over to investigate it. This thoroughly unsettled most of the dogs. The dogs were used to cats running away, if not immediately, then most certainly after being barked at. Barking had no effect on this cat, of course. The closer the cat got, the more uncertain the dogs' barks became, until finally, the dogs would stop, sort of half-rear up, and shy away, dragging their owners backwards.

Sometimes a dog and the cat would get so close as to touch noses, and only then would the dog freak out. "I just touched noses with a cat!" it would appear to be screaming. "Get me out of here!"

I had to do some serious weaving to keep the cat from following me home, and a horrible, cat-stealing part of me wanted him to follow me home. I can't wait for a cat-allowing landlord - or homeownership - whichever comes first.

The older I get the more anhedonic I get, and I'm not just using that word because it's a GRE word; in fact, when that word popped up on my GRE Vocab Builder, I was like, sweet, I already know that one. I am that one.

Well, not completely. I shouldn't be so damn dramatic all the time and start journal entries off with sweeping proclamations that I know in the back of my brain to be at least a tiny bit untrue. I am not incapable of feeling pleasure. But I am more incapable of it than I used to be, for sure.

However, this is possibly because I spend 80% of my time doing things like the GRE Vocab Builder, or brush-up algebraic equations, or papers on actuarial decision making, or internet homework about cellular respiration. I guess we'll see how true the sweeping proclamation really is once we have a point of comparison. That point of comparison will have to be something like, let's see how I feel once I spend most of my time traveling to foreign countries, trying every expensive exotic food that exists, frolicking in ocean waves, playing with kittens, and counting my oodles and oodles of hundred dollar bills that fall in my lap from nowhere.

Boulder is not aware of the fact that it's January. I'm riding my bike like it's April, in a T-shirt, sweating, and everyone's motorcycles are out. Every time I look out my window into the canopy of bare branches and out, all the way out to the plains to the east, I hate my landlord even more. What a perfect summer place. It's basically a treehouse. The only things we're level with are squirrels and stranded cats and power lines and mountains. And our neighbors. But we can't see them, so they may as well not even be there.

All the cats that everyone else in my building is allowed to have are out in full force. Nobody could walk by and not notice this. They're sniffing the newly snowless ground and lounging around on other people's welcome mats and chasing each other through the dry creek that runs, when it runs, out front.

I've been very carefully thinking about the day to day things that make me happy, and trying to avoid the trap that most people fall into when they try to predict what will make them happy. In the book that I referenced a few entries ago there are a bunch of tests that are supposed to prove to you that your brain lies, omits real things, and plants false things when you look into the future. In many of the tests, I perform generally along the lines I'm supposed to to prove the author's point. In one, which tests a grown-up's (as opposed to a child's) ability to see a setup as though they're seeing it from another person's viewpoint, I show less understanding than normal. (Insert selfish spoiled only child explanation here.) But in a few, where the tests are trying to prove that people just make snap judgments about future events based on current feelings, I perform differently in the opposite direction, proving that I don't make snap judgments and I don't really expect to feel the same in two days as I feel now (with a few notable exceptions that I'll get to later).

Here's a very simplistic sample question. The author asks us to imagine how we will feel tomorrow when we eat a big bowl of spaghetti for dinner. Apparently, a normal person is just supposed to randomly throw together an image of some sort of spaghetti and make a prediction based on whether or not they like spaghetti, or feel like spaghetti at the moment. I never do that. I have to ask a billion questions first, such as:

What will I have eaten for breakfast and lunch? Is it Italian food? Is it oatmeal and sushi? Have I been force-fed spaghetti all day? If I've already eaten spaghetti-like things, I will probably be unhappy when eating this dinner plate of spaghetti. But if I've had a light, fruit-and-veggie filled day, or have been starved all day, I will probably be okay with the spaghetti, depending of course on:

What kind of spaghetti is it? Am I allowed to choose or is it just going to be Spaghetti-o's or have a gross olive-filled sauce? Is it that spinach and tomato infused rotini that tastes like cat food or is it a big plate of Dave's baked spaghetti with butter and garlic sauce and parmesan cheese? And also:

I might have the stomach flu. I might have a fever, in which case all I like to eat is grapes. I might have been offered the opportunity for a free dinner at Mateo and would therefore be in an extremely foul mood to have to turn it down to eat spaghetti, no matter what kind or how good. There are a billion things that could go wrong or go right that would change my opinion of spaghetti in an instant.

Apparently most people don't go through these options in their heads. I do. About every decision. Which I don't think is necessarily healthy - having too much freedom of choice is basically a proven headache - but one plus of it is that I never assume that if I buy X, X will make me unconditionally happy, forever and ever amen. I never truly believe that lavish wealth would make me happier, above a certain point (though I do have lapses). I don't feel like my life would be transformed if I bought a car, or a house. I'm still going to be myself. I'll still have waves of irrational dread and have painful problems with my teeth and every day I will have to shave my legs and talk to cashiers at stores and deal with health insurance and tax papers and getting older.

This kind of realism prevents me from making stupid snap purchases and believing that the next magic bullet will make my problems go away. It also gives me a bleak outlook. Not only do I not believe that these things will make me happy, I also begin to believe that nothing can be counted on to make me happy.

Except two things. These two things I can't run through the 'if' filter. I see them just exactly how other people must see a billion dollars, or a new Ferrari.

These things are travel and cats.

I continue to think that if I had the funds and the wherewithal to travel around the world at my leisure, volunteering and eating strange foods and experiencing strange cultures, that this would bring happiness. I also continue to think that if I had as many cats as I want, that the day-to-day experience of feeding and caring for and playing with these cats would bring happiness.

Even these are as realistic as magic bullets get - they both take into account a radical shift in day-to-day experience.

So I'm choosing to view this impending move, this move from a green, high, sweet-smelling treehouse in the mountains to an unknown possible dump, as a good thing. Because in the new possible dump I will be able to have cats.

Oddly enough, I was just having a conversation about whether we all (all of us bloggers) write as insurance against memory or because we have an audience in mind or what. And this particular entry of mine is definitely insurance against memory. So - warning! - this is not written for you all (but feel free to read it anyway, since it's on the internet and all).

It's sort of like that time I was in Indonesia and got my whole salary stolen. As I was writing, I was fully aware that I was whining and not writing in a manner that would hold anyone's interest, but I wanted to get it down so I wouldn't forget how angry I am capable of becoming. I always forget because I don't get very angry often, and I am fooled into thinking I'm not naturally a violently angry person, that I don't get so completely consumed by it that sometimes I almost pass out from the pressure inside my skull.

But I am, and I do. Although the Indonesia entry didn't reflect that. I was in such an alien environment, and so terrified of acting like a spoiled American around all the people living in poverty that I didn't dare elaborate on how angry I was - I didn't even dare FEEL how angry I was.

Yesterday Dan and I received a letter in the mail notifying us that we would not be allowed to re-lease our apartment, that we were required to move out at the end of our term. There was no reason given, but we know what the reason is, and we know why she ('she' being the owner of the property management company, who has a very distinctive idiot-style of writing where she thinks if she conjugates a verb in different ways it counts as saying something different) doesn't want to say what the reason is. It's because she would look like an idiot, saying 'The reason for our decision is that those meanies made me sign a copy of their move-in checklist so it would be on record that I received it. Also, they asked if they could get a cat when we told them they could at the lease signing and when it says clearly on the lease that cats are allowed with permission. How rude! And after that, you know what they did? They accused me of going back on my word, which is totally true! And then - this is the crowning point of it all, where I definitely knew I wouldn't want those assholes renting my property - they wrote me an email saying they disagreed with my conclusion but they were going to drop the matter and not get a cat because they loved living in this apartment so much! That's when I KNEW I wanted to kick them out. Also, they always pay their rent on time, take care of their place, and don't bother the other tenants - and we definitely can't have THAT going on in one of our properties!'

There's only one type of person that makes me spitting mad, this mad, so mad that I get an instant migraine and would, in a second, if faced with this person and a loaded gun, pull the trigger. That type of person is stupid, but conniving. This type of person will go out of their way to hurt others as badly as possible, even when it's not in the best interests of, say, their business. This type of person, when offended, never gets over it, never tries to resolve it, and thinks only of exercising power over the offender until (s)he feels better. They think only of 'winning'.

I offended our property management company's owner inadvertently at the lease signing. I'm still not sure quite how I did it. I think she was affronted by the request that she sign off on receiving a copy of our move-in checklist. She said, 'Just trust me, I received it. I'm standing here telling you I received it.' But our apartment was in terrible condition when we moved in and we had noted all of it down on the checklist and we wanted to make absolutely sure that it was ON PAPER that we had notified them of the condition within three business days, because there was a clause on the lease saying that if we didn't do that, we would be held responsible for any damage when we moved out.

I didn't want them to be able to say we hadn't turned it in, and charge us thousands of dollars upon move-out (this has happened to me before) so I asked for a signature. She was immediately enraged. Why? Because I had taken control? Because I had seen through the plan of the company to get around paying back security deposits? Who knows? After that moment, she despised me. She flat-out refused to sign the paper, and only after Dan had sweet-talked her for a while did she finally - and angrily - sign it.

When I later tried to follow through on our plan - discussed at the lease signing - of getting a cat, by calling and asking for written permission, she dismissed me right out of hand, saying that we 'had no right' to get a cat, and that she 'never said' we could.

And even though we didn't get one, and we said we would drop the subject because of how much we liked living here, she chose to terminate our lease out of spite - not for any other reason but out of spite. She terminated it because we said how much we liked living here.

Revenge out of proportion to a perceived slight, flexing of power just for the hell of it - those are the type of people - perhaps the only type of people - that can get me irrational with rage.

I went into Petco yesterday to wait for Camille to buy catfood. As always in Petco there were two tiny sad cages by the front door with two large sad cats in them who could barely move. And as usual they were both turned so their butts faced the outside. They were probably sick of being poked through the bar by index fingers, maybe even scratched, and then abandoned. Nothing makes me sadder than housecats in cages, for some reason. I mean, I know why it makes me sad but I have no idea when or how it became the saddest thing possible. Formative experiences, I guess. I'm not being very romantic about it. Anyway, if I ever get arrested, it will be because I'll have been an undercover cat-freer for years, sneaking around under the cover of dark, jimmying the locks of pet stores everywhere and lifting the cats out with my special patented upside-down combination neck scratch calming lift.

(This lift is not to be attempted at home; serious scratching could occur, and has, if you don't have the cat at the precise degree of upside-down-ness required.)

Anyway, they'd be set free. I'm not a cat, so I don't know, but I think I'd rather live in the worst free conditions, alleys, scraps, backyards, fighting for territory with other cats, than live in a 2x3 foot cage in a Petco, or anywhere. Those shelters that require adopters to adopt two cats at once, that is so, so stupid. I haven't adopted cats from those shelters because of that rule. Almost everyone I know has chosen not to adopt cats from those shelters because of that rule. Sometimes you just can't adopt two cats. How can shelters set guidelines on adoption that result in less cats being adopted and more cats being put to death, and justify it at all?

Those would be released too. If I ever found out where Death Row for cats was, I'd be an outlaw immediately, probably so recklessly that I'd be caught. That breaking news that PETA was killing animals in the back of their van right outside animal shelters after they'd promise to make a 'good-faith effort' to find them homes severed any tenuous moral ties I ever had to PETA. I'm not sure how anything could be more antithetical to anything. Anger makes me not articulate.

Anyway, one of the cats, the one in the bottom cage, had his neck craned the tiniest bit so he could see out, but it wasn't immediately obvious that he was. I started to reach my finger out so he could smell it, but stopped. I read the sign on the outside of the cage, written, as always, in pleading language with smiley faces and cat cartoons and 'Adopt Me!' balloons all over it. Name: Arthur. Sex: Male, Spayed. Age: 4.5. Description: Sweet as can be!

Arthur peered at me over his shoulder, looking wary. I stood still, peering back. Unconsciously, I shuffled one of my feet, and, suddenly on guard, Arthur circled, crouched by the door of his cage, and sat tense and facing me, his nose between the bars. I shuffled again, and realized what had him so interested... the drawstrings on my cargo pants.

For the rest of the time I was waiting I walked back and forth, danced, dragged, in front of his cage, and the whole time he was entranced. I made sure not to let him know I was looking at him. I just let him, in his mind, stalk that mouse, that rabbit, that bug, around trees and under fences and through stalks of corn, his paws eventually batting through the bars of the cage, and, finally, let him catch it, bring it up onto the metal floor of his prison and gnaw a hole right through. He had such a grip on it that when Camille was finished and came to get me so that we could go, I had to kneel down and disentangle it from his claws, extended all the way out as they were. As I was replacing it around my ankle, my face level with his, he meowed at me. In my mind I had a flash of lifting him out of the cage, bringing him to the counter, adopting him, taking him home, hiding him from my landlord, letting him out to be friends with the cats from the other building and chase real mice, real bugs. It was a quick flash. My body killed it by walking out. But if I had endless money and endless time I would buy a giant fenced in mansion and as many cats as I could love.

We went to the zoo this past weekend. I have a conflict about zoos. I love animals, but on the other hand, I love animals.

Sometimes I write sentences like that and think that it would be stupid to explain them because their meaning is completely obvious. I think this because I've got a thread going in my head, something like background music, and with that thread, it would be impossible not to. But then I look back objectively at 'I love animals, but on the other hand, I love animals' and snap back into (out of, actually) context.

What I mean is, I'm not sure if the sum of (1) the joy I get from being able to observe animal behavior, (2) the species who are being saved from extinction by zoo breeding programs, and (3) the awareness of the plight of different species, and by proxy, the earth, given by the plaques, is quite enough to make up for the feeling I get when I see a cheetah pacing a 10x10 enclosure. It's easiest to see with the cheetah - big cats always seem restless, they don't put on even the slightest hint of a happy face. They look as though they have one objective: getting out, and running, and running, and running, and running. It's never as obvious anywhere else, and of course neither I nor anyone else can say what a tiger is feeling even as it paces. The less obvious ones, too... what the lorises think as they creep up and down the same skinny branches over and over. The elephants must know they don't need to hold one another's tails with their trunks to navigate the total distance of a hundred feet, right? Who knows what they know? While we were watching the elephants, some keepers came out with what looked like nightsticks and tapped the elephants' knees. The elephants lay down. They raised their giant feet onto tree stumps. They received treats, put on their necks, and they reached their trunks around to pick them off. Elephants always have what looks like a humongous soppy grin on their faces, with the droopy lower lip and the tuck of the mouth under the trunk. It's hard to imagine them being sad. Maybe they're not.

I know a lot about animal behavior from school, but I don't know this. I felt a lot better about zoos after reading Life of Pi, even though it was a work of fiction. It gave me an excuse, but I knew that it was just an excuse. The truth is, I don't know the truth. I would work in a zoo in a second, even to be the person who shovels hippo poop, because it would give me an opportunity to develop my own observations, and work towards knowing the truth, and using the truth to make better habitats. I always want to jump into the lion cage and pet the lions, and it's almost a drive to make them feel cared for, even though I know that's enormously stupid and not at all the outcome that would result. Lions don't need to be petted to be cared for, but they need something, and if I can channel the ridiculous lion-petting compulsion into something that achieves the effect I'm going for, then I think I'd be satisfied.

We were standing at some kind of bird pond, and one bird, a bird with a giant beak, was swimming in fast circles around this pond as a skinny woman in huge boots threw dead fish at him. He couldn't have cared less about the dead fish; in fact, he seemed like he was trying to dodge them. They sank to the bottom of the pond as he swam faster and faster, and as the woman on the island in the middle tried to hone her aim. It looked more like target practice than like feeding time as the zoo. And she looked angrier and angrier the less and less the bird paid attention to her efforts.

Despite the placing of that anecdote, it wasn't supposed to be representative of anything, or have a moral, or anything like that. I'm just remembering things, and that's what I remember. I remember thinking that despite the bird's disdain, I'd still fight that angry woman for her job. Animals that have great disdain for me only make me fight harder for their affection. That's why I'm a cat person. How is someone supposed to enjoy the challenge of making an animal happy if it's already happy, drooling, bouncing, fetching balls, pooping in people's flowerbeds, and needs nothing from anyone to go on being happy indefinitely? That has nothing to do with the human condition. Being happy despite everything. I can't relate to that.

Last night I dreamed I had to cut cats up into little pieces to make them easier to transport. Even though superglue restored them to life, I have never had a more disturbing moment in a dream than when I was trying to reassemble them and I glued a kitten's head back on and I misaligned it and she couldn't meow anymore.

This transmission is coming to you from Savannah, Georgia, where the view from Mike's window looks quite disturbingly like Green Bay Road in Evanston. There's a little tiger-gray kitten in my lap who thinks that she can type this blog better than I can; I will leave vhe gr hy h jmmmmmm bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbhnrrrrkm,k dddddddddddd5vmko9lui666o88888888888888888888888888888
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ooo888888888888888888888889999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999iou5621jklnm 8uui============== her prose in, so you can see what a terrific writer she is. I guess that effort tired her out, because she's lost interest.

I indulged in a love of mine the other night, while I was still in Evanston: sitting in the back of a car, late at night, nearly asleep and concentrating on the neon scenery while ignoring banal chit-chat. The thing I love best about banal chit-chat is ignoring it. Sometimes I prefer it as a background to silence. They were talking about their children and how naughty they weren't. I had nothing to offer. I am getting away with this only lately because people excuse my rudeness for culture shock. Before I went to Indonesia, my rudeness was just rudeness, and I was that person that made people uncomfortable, because I didn't like to talk to 100 adults in a row about what I was going to do with my life, and laugh about how, ha ha, my anthropology degree will qualify me for, ha ha, absolutely nothing. I didn't like to talk about their kids and how they were way naughtier at college than I was, or, conversely, how they came out of it with a triple doctorate in the-richest-possible-sort-of medicine. But now, people just nod uncomfortably in awe and think: she just came back from a third-world country. She must have seen all sorts of... things. She's just got to get used to the country again.

What they do not realize is that I will never get used to the country again. I wasn't used to it when I had never left it. I will always rather read neon sighs and shadows in bushes than listen to people ask me about things that make me slightly nauseous to repeat.

I woke up this morning with the sudden, sickening awareness that I couldn't remember which side of my body my heart was on. The realization paralyzed me briefly, and I stared at the blue curtains pulled tight across de-molding towels and pajama pants, at the magnetic monkey and frog clinging to each other and to the doorknob, as I wildly tried to think, to remember. I wanted to put my hand to my chest and feel, but my hand wouldn't move, so I had to lay there, on my back, as quietly as I could and listen. My chest was strangely silent. The room, too, was strangely silent; it had rained all night and the combination of the pounding on the tin roof, the rumbling of the fan switching on and off with the power outages, and the gurgling of the roosters' strangled crows made the sudden silence feel especially alien. In the distance, a ship's horn blew a long low note across the bay. My heart fluttered, skipped, and began again.

I'm sitting outside the police station, having just been fingerprinted for the second time. Every finger - twice - plus the palm and the print of all four non-thumb fingers together, like a stamp, at the bottom. It's standard procedure for foreign residents. I'm sitting out by the drainage canals, writing this by hand, peeling a salak, and tossing the peels into the canal by my feet. My shoes are off, but from a distance, even the distance from my eyes to my feet without my contact lenses, it looks like I'm wearing white flip flops. My tan lines are that deeply etched by now, or is it the lines of dirt? A skinny black and white cat comes wandering through the outdoor hallways. I am still quashing my urge to unconditionally love every cat that I see, to rush them and scratch their necks. Cats aren't like that here. They're not treated like that. A cat wouldn't know what to do with my hand other than bite it.